Bleach Oneshots
by eliotenunciateshamletshorrible
Summary: Some random Bleach oneshots...now: alphabet challenge (first sentence opens with a word beginning with the letter A, second sentence with the letter B, third with C, and so on). Ichigo enters his Inner World to find his Hollow counterpart...naked?
1. How to succeed in a job interview

Genryusai Yamamoto is a young supervisor who is conducting a job interview for Zaraki Kenpachi.

Yamamoto: Name?

Zaraki: Dun' have one.

Yamamoto: Sir, uh, I'm afraid – I'm afraid you'll have to invent one, then.

Zaraki: Tha's a long name.

Yamamoto: Sorry?

Zaraki: Pleased ta meet ya, 'Afraid you'll have to invent one then'. As I've jus' said, I'm 'Dun' have one'.

Yamamoto: Oh. Well, I suppose that's…Age?

Zaraki: Beg ya pardon?

Yamamoto: How old are you?

Zaraki: Old.

Yamamoto: Could you be more specific please sir.

Zaraki: Ah, I think I getcha. I'm old enough to apply for this position, but not old enough to retire, and old enough to live by meself, but not old enough to cook for meself, and old enough to flunk school, but not old enough to pass school, and old enough to –

Yamamoto: …Sex?

Zaraki: Yeah. Old enough to have sex.

Yamamoto: Er, I meant, what type of sex are you, sir?

Zaraki: Three times a day.

Yamamoto: What!

Zaraki: I'm the type to have sex three times a day, with breakfast lunch and tea. (Licks his lips, rubs his stomach) Helps the appetite.

Yamamoto: What! Sir! Er, never mind. Next question, next question…er, previous occupations?

Zaraki: Huh? Wha's that?

Yamamoto: Um, previous jobs.

Zaraki: Are we talking handjobs or –

Yamamoto: Sir! I meant, um, have you held any other positions – no no no! not positions! – have you, erm, previously – have you earned any money before?

Zaraki: Yah. Fo sure.

Yamamoto: In what way?

Zaraki: Can't say, if ya know what I mean. Fucking cops lookin' ta bust my ass. That's why I got this balaclave-thingy on.

Yamamoto: Ahh. Yes. I see, I see. Well, sir. Well, in this case, I am afraid –

Zaraki: You're 'Afraid you'll have to invent one then', yeah, ya told me already. You're very repetitive.

Yamamoto: Erm, sir, I was about to say, I am, uh, that is, I must congratulate –

Zaraki: So I'm in, bro?

Yamamoto: Not quite, sir. Whilst I must congratulate you on a very – erm, interesting – interview, we must unfortunately inform you that our company does not currently lack numbers.

Zaraki: Huh?

Yamamoto: Er, we do not require your services at the moment.

Zaraki: Eh, I getcha. Sexual services, yah –

Yamamoto: No no no! Sir, no!

Zaraki: So you're the type who likes to beg, huh?

Yamamoto: NO! No no no no no!

Zaraki: Just to protest then. Dun' worry, I'm not picky. I have ta say I don't usually do this with other men, but –

Yamamoto: AUGH! WHAT! SIR! NOO! LEGGO!

Zaraki: Let's go? Sure. Have you ever done this before?

Yamamoto: SIR! NO! NO!

Zaraki: Eh, okay then. Well, from my limited experience, you bend down like this, and this thingy goes in here –

Yamamoto: YOU'VE GOT THE JOB! CONGRATULATIONS! NO SERVICES REQUIRED!

Zaraki: Huh? Eh, well, thanks. Are ya sure you wouldn't like my services? I enjoy tryin' new stuff –

Yamamoto: POSITIVE! WELCOME TO THE COMPANY, DUN' HAVE ONE!


	2. Isn't it funny

'Isn't it funny,' said a shinigami in a low, serious, drifting whisper, 'that as soon as someone dies, everyone says good things about them, even if no one actually liked them when they were alive?'

His fellow shinigami of the 13th Squad, all of whom had gathered together to mourn the death of Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto, were silent.

'I'm not saying the Captain Commander doesn't deserve to be respected. He does. But honestly, was he _that _great, as great as what we're saying? Whew. For some reason, I don't –'

But he was stopped by the uncharacteristically loud voice of one Jushiro Ukitake. 'Fuck you.'

The shinigami's eyes widened as he heard his Captain swear for the first time as he leapt back, ready for a blast of reiatsu that never came. What did come, though, was the wave of sheer anger that no one had ever before felt from the friendly Captain.

'Fuck you,' repeated Jushiro. 'Yama-jii wasn't someone that no one liked when he was alive! Fuck you! Even if Yama-jii were someone mean, or even if the damn Quincy that I hate more than anyone in the entirety of existence – if even Juhabach were to die, I'd still say fuck you, and I'd still say good things about the Quincy Emperor! You don't ever talk shit about the dead. Ever! There's no logic to it, and no one cares if there's no logic to it! You should only care about what's right, not whatever logic or reason or intelligence say! And you know what? It's not funny that everyone except you knows to say good things about dead people, you fuckhead, it's touching! It's heartwarming that the whole of society – even human society, every society in the universe, it seems, except you – it's heartwarming that we all know to show this little bit of compassion, of consideration, of empathy, of feeling, of heart.'

And with that Jushiro swept his white cloak behind him and disappeared in a blinding flash step, leaving a shaken shinigami quivering on the ground.

No one bothered to help him.


	3. Naked Hollow Ichigo

'Arghh!' screamed Ichigo as soon as he materialised in his Inner World.

'Bloody hell, what is it now?' sighed Hollow Ichigo.

'Chuck some clothes on you freak!'

'Don't you like seeing my sexy bod, cos I know I get off on it.'

'Er, did you seriously just say that you sick bastard? Fucking hell, I didn't think you were that desperate! Go put some clothes on!'

Hollow Ichigo smirked. 'It gets boring in here, so I need the self-action with my right hand and my mirror.'

'Just – hurry up and go change! Kon doesn't even wank to himself, and he's fucking perverted!'

'Listen, loser, don't ever compare me to that stuffed toy.'

'Man, first off, why the fuck have you still not changed clothes, secondly, how are you even naked in my Inner World, thirdly, fourthly, fuck off and change!'

'No worries partner. Only you're the one stopping me with all this bullshit talking.'

'Perhaps I was just tryna drop by and say hi since I imagined it might get a little boring in here!'

'Queen Ichigo to the rescue once again, huh, relieving the boredom of his subjects.'

'Remind me to never look out for you ever again!'

'Sure, once you remind me to never again try one of that big breasted girl's cooking ever again, instead of _recommending_ it like last time! That's fucking sadistic, and they call you the hero of Soul Society. Unbelievable. Very well, I'm off.'

With that Hollow Ichigo disappeared, allowing his orange-haired counterpart to breathe a sigh of relief, until...

'X-rated shit is going down behind this building between me and Zangetsu, Ichigo, just so ya know!'

'Yarrgghh, what, what, why the fuck did you feel the need to tell me that! Zangetsu, I thought you were better than that!'


End file.
